Positive attention

Key points

• Positive attention is responding to children with warmth and interest.
• Positive attention helps children feel secure and valued. This is important for children’s development.
• You can use everyday moments to give your child positive attention.
• It’s important to give children positive attention more often than you correct them.

What is positive attention?

Positive attention is responding to your child in warm, loving and encouraging ways. For example, this might be:

• smiling at your child
• making eye contact, using caring facial expressions and using an encouraging tone
• showing physical affection – for example, hugging your child
• praising and encouraging your child, not just their successes
• showing interest in your child’s interests, activities and achievements.

When you respond with warmth and encouragement, you are teaching your child:

• You matter. Your feelings, thoughts, and experiences are important
• You are loved. No matter what, you are safe and cherished
• You are capable. You can explore, learn, and grow with confidence

From birth, children need experiences and relationships that show them they’re valued, capable human beings who make other people happy. Positive attention, reactions and responses from familiar and trusted grown-ups help children build a picture of how valued they are.

Your child’s self-image builds up over time with positive, loving messages from you and other important people in your child’s life. A healthy self-image is very important, not only for your child’s relationship with others but also for your child’s confidence as they learn about the world.

Your child’s feelings of security and safety come from warm and responsive interactions with you and other carers. If you smile at your child when they look towards you or reassure your child when they’re frightened or uncertain, your child will feel safe and secure. This gives your child confidence as they explore their world.

All children do best in an environment where they feel supported, encouraged and safe. In fact, warm and positive relationships are key to children’s development.

How to show positive attention: all ages

Daily activities like changing a nappy, supervising a bath or walking to school give you the chance to connect with your child in meaningful ways. For example, you can give positive attention by cuddling and tickling your toddler while you’re drying them after a bath. Or you can sit with your arm around your child while you watch TV together.

No matter how old your child is, there are simple things you can do every day to send the message that your child is special and important. For example:

• Look at your child, make long and intentional eye contact, and smile.
• Stop, pay attention and listen closely when your child talks to you.
• Show interest in things that are important to your child. For example, ‘Tell me more about stegosauruses’.
• Create some special family rituals you can share together.
• Make time to be with your child, doing things you enjoy together.
• Praise your child when they try hard or try something new. For example, ‘What a beautiful drawing! Great work with the shading’.

There are also ways you can show positive attention at different ages.

Even before babies can understand and use words, they respond to your tone of voice, gestures, facial expressions and body language.

Here are ways to give your baby positive attention:

• Smile when your baby smiles at you.
• Comfort your baby when your baby cries.
• Respond to the sounds your baby makes by saying something in return.
• Chat about what’s going on around you both.
• Notice what your baby is interested in and encourage them to explore. For example, show your baby how to shake a colourful rattle that has caught their eye.

As children get older, they understand more of what you say, as well as how you say it.

Here are tips for positive attention at this age:

• Get into the moment with your toddler. This could be as simple as crouching down to look at a caterpillar together.
• When you’re talking with your toddler, leave time after you talk so your child can reply.
• When you’re playing with your toddler, comment on what your child is doing, without trying to get them to do things differently. For example, ‘Wow, that’s a tall tower! How many more blocks before it falls down?’
• Be specific when you praise your child’s positive behaviour. For example, ‘I love it when you help to pick up the blocks’.

There are so many ways you can give your preschooler positive attention as they learn about the world. For example:

• Make time to do your child’s favourite activities together – for example, jigsaws, Lego, painting and so on.
• Smile and make eye contact with your child when you greet them in the morning. Perhaps even take a moment for a special cuddle.
• Show your child you’re happy to see them after preschool. Tell your child that you missed them, or give your child hugs and high fives.
• Give your child descriptive praise when they’re helpful. For example, ‘I love how you put your shoes on this morning’.

Children’s worlds expand when they go to school. But your warmth and positive attention are still the biggest influences on your child’s development.

Try these ideas:

• Stop what you’re doing and listen when your child wants to talk about school. This might be when your child gets home or later, when they’re in the bath or in bed.
• Ask your child about one good thing that happened during the day. If your child finds it hard to answer, try being a bit more specific. For example, ‘What was your favourite thing to do in the classroom today?’
• Ask follow-up questions when your child starts talking. This keeps the conversation going. For example, ‘And what did you do after the handball game finished?’
• Remember the names of your child’s friends, and ask about them.
• Watch your child’s favourite show or listen to their favourite song together.
• Notice and guide your child’s positive interactions with others. For example, ‘I think Hunter liked it when you asked about her holiday. It gave her a chance to talk about something special to her’.
• If you need to give constructive feedback, say something positive at the same time. For example, ‘Usually you do good sharing. I can see it’s hard just now, but think about how your friends feel when you don’t let them have a turn’.

It’s important to note that you only need to be a “good enough” parent. No parent is perfect and you only need to be “good enough” to provide your child with the childhood and love that they need.

Research shows that loving, thriving relationships have a ratio of 20 to 1 positive to negative interactions. At a minimum, we should aim for a ratio of 5 to 1 positive to negative interactions to ensure that our relationships are safe.

Perfection is not a realistic or possible goal. No parent is perfect. Every parent has moments of frustration, regret, or reacting in ways they wish they hadn’t. What matters most is what comes next. If you have a difficult moment, acknowledge it, repair the connection with your child, and show yourself the same kindness you would offer a friend. Parenting is a lifelong learning process, and every moment is an opportunity to grow alongside your child.

Over time, it’s important to give your child positive attention more often than you correct them. If you can give your child positive attention most of the time, your child will have a strong sense of being secure and loved.

Also, when you give your child a lot of positive attention, you’re a great role model for your child. Your child is likely to copy the way you talk and behave, which can mean they have more positive interactions with others.

And plenty of positive attention will outweigh those occasional times when you feel frustrated or distracted, or you can’t give your child as much attention as you’d like.

If many of your daily interactions with your child are negative, or if it’s hard for you to feel or act positively with your child, it’s worth seeking professional help. Start by seeing your GP or a counsellor. These professionals can help you get your relationship with your child back on track. Your relationship might even end up stronger.

If you often find yourself feeling disconnected, overwhelmed, or struggling to respond with warmth and patience, it might be helpful to seek professional support. Signs that extra support could be beneficial include:

• Frequent feelings of guilt, shame, or hopelessness about your parenting.
• Difficulty regulating your emotions, especially during your child’s distress.
• Repeating patterns from your own childhood that you want to change but don’t know how. A GP, counselor, or trauma-informed therapist can help you navigate these challenges and build a healthier, more fulfilling connection with your child. Seeking help is not a sign of failure—it’s an act of strength and love for both you and your child.

Trauma in childhood is tragically very common – from childhood neglect to abuse. Many people continue to experience trauma throughout adolescence and adulthood too including discrimination, poverty and insecure attachments.

Many parents reflect that the experience of parenting helps them “re-parent” themselves and provides themselves with the love that they deserved as a child. They are able to work with their “inner child” and regulate both themselves and their child through the process of learning to parent. Becoming a parent is an incredibly motivating, powerful time of healing and growth. Many parents break the cycle of intergenerational trauma through awareness and conscious effort.

Parents who grew up in trauma may find that their bodies go into a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response when triggered by a memory or experience. This may happen when their child is crying or shouting. It’s essential to recognise those triggers and to help your body know that you are now an adult and are safe and capable in dealing with them.

A professional can help you:

• Recognise the triggers in your body
• Recognise your emotions
• Use sensory strategies to regulate your emotions
• Understand how to be available and emotionally present with your child
• Build a secure connection with your child, which may be the first secure bond that you’ve experienced in your life

The fact that you are reading this, reflecting, and making an effort to parent differently means you are already breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma. Healing is not about erasing the past—it’s about creating a new future. Every moment of kindness, patience, and self-awareness you bring to your parenting helps rewrite the story for yourself, your child, and generations to come. This work is challenging, but it is also powerful. You are not alone, and the effort you are making will leave a lasting impact far beyond what you can see today.

Translated, adapted and reproduced by Rahma Health with permission from © raisingchildren.net.au

Helplines/ Useful Information

• Blue Knot:  https://blueknot.org.au/
• Relationships and Child Development: Click Here

• Bonding with Newborns: https://raisingchildren.net.au/newborns/connecting-communicating/bonding
• How to build positive relationships: Click Here