Matrescence and Patrescence
Matrescence and Patrescence
What are these life stages?
Matrescence and patrescence are important life stages. They are the months or years when we are transitioning from an “independent adult” to a “parent”.
Matrescence and Patrescence are recognised as wonderful transition stages in our lives, like “adolescence”. This will happen with every new child you have.
In adolescence, you changed from a child to an adult. In Matrescence, you will change from an independent adult to a Mother. In Patrescence, you will change to a Father. You will become an adult who has the honour and privilege of being responsible for another human being.
This transition will bring courage and joy
Many parents describe powerful growth during this time.
Some experiences may include:
- Feeling powerful joy and happiness
- Feeling unconditional love
- Feeling so much bravery and power: if your child needs something, you will no longer be shy or embarrassed. For many people, this transition gives them so much strength
- Sense of responsibility for all children
- Sense of responsibility for improving our world for future generations
- Increase in self-love, confidence and self-regard
The non-birthing parent also experiences transition
Psychological and spiritual growth occurs for both parents.
If you are the non-birthing parent, your psychology and physiology will also embrace change through preparation, connection, skin-to-skin contact and eye contact with your child.
The transition will require energy and time
Psychiatrists and ancient cultures all recommend making time and energy for all types of transition.
We all remember how challenging adolescence was and how many years it took for us to transform from a child to an adult. This is a similar transition, from one type of adult to the next type of adult. This transition will similarly require time, energy, emotional support, patience, understanding and love.
The more you can lean into the transition, the more you will get out of it. For example, you can physically and mentally retreat for an hour a day to read, listen to podcasts, reflect, journal or discuss this process with your loved ones.
Like a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly, you will go through a growth process and will emerge with many wonderful new abilities. The imagery of a caterpillar is incredibly powerful and helps many parents understand the power of this time.
Letting go of your old identity
You may let go of some of your old identity to make room for your new, incredible, powerful identity. Some changes that you experience may include:
- Your body shape may change
- Your work hours might no longer be in your control
- Your career might have to slow down for a while
- You may not be able to go to the toilet alone for a while
- You may not be able to sleep as much as you want to
- You may not have enough time for your hobbies
Some of us may lose some of our old caterpillar features in this transition and it’s okay to grieve those if you want to.
It’s okay to make room for that grief and that loss, even when we celebrate how much we love our children and when we know that we would not exchange our current lives for anything.
Spectrum of Feelings
This transition may be difficult.
Strong, powerful, all-encompassing feelings are normal to an extent.
Always discuss those feelings with your family and clinicians. Always discuss any concerns for your wellbeing or your child’s wellbeing. Some of those feelings are normal, but it’s always good to have professional and personal support to ensure your and your children’s wellbeing.
Enjoy this life stage
Parenting is one of the most fulfilling things we will do.
Many people describe it as the start of their lives, or something that gives meaning and purpose to their lives. It is such a special, unique time and such an honour and privilege to be able to care for another person.
We encourage you to enjoy it:
- Love every moment, even the dirt, the cuddles while they’re feverish, and the vomit on the bedsheets when they’re sick
- Share meals
- Get smelly and dirty in the garden together
- Kiss your children a thousand times a day, including when their faces are full of dirt, dribble and food
- Tell your children that you love them
- Smell your children as much as they’ll let you
- Enjoy skin to skin contact for hours when they’re little
- Allow yourself to watch them sleep and watch the miracle of being human
- If it’s normal in your culture to co-sleep, then enjoy it! Follow the red-nose safety instructions for co-sleeping, and ensure you do it safely
- If you have the privilege of working part time or from home, then do so!
We encourage you to enjoy those slow, precious days.