The things that poison Love

In our garden analogy, there are some things that have the potential to poison parts of our garden and block love from thriving.

These include shame, control, unprocessed parental trauma, expectations, conditions imposed on love and others.

Shame

Shame is when we are told that a part of us is unloveable and that we need to hide it in order to belong.

This may be our sensitivity if we are a boy – “be a boy! Be strong! Boys don’t cry! Boys don’t feel pain!”

Or, our loudness or power if we are a girl – “She’s such a beautiful, quiet, sweet little girl! Why can’t you be more like her?”.

Shaming is an incredibly strong block to love and something that has the potential to cause severe mental health trauma for our children or loved ones. Shaming teaches us to completely cut off a part of ourselves in order to be “acceptable”. Conditional love often uses shame as its weapon. 

Control

As Brené Brown teaches, “Where perfectionism, fear, and control exist, love cannot thrive.” When we try to control others, we are often acting from fear, not love, and this suffocates the freedom and trust love needs to grow.

Control also takes away some key qualities that we need for love: safety, the ability to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and seen, and the ability to be loved unconditionally. Without these qualities, we cannot feel full, pure love.

Unprocessed Parental Trauma

Unprocessed parental trauma can spill into the next generation like toxins in the soil, shaping the way we give and receive love—often without us realizing it. When parents have not healed, their fears, anger, and unresolved pain can quietly block the natural flow of love. Parents can also be ashamed of a part of themselves which they share with their children e.g. their race, skin colour, or cultural heritage. They can subconsciously teach their children to hate that part of themselves too.

Parental self love also sets the limit for how much they are able to love their children.

Expectations or Conditions

When we love people for who we expect them to become, rather than who they truly are, we are not practicing “unconditional love”.

Love requires space, curiosity, and acceptance. Love requires us to make emotional and psychological space to see the divinity of the full person infront of us, and to support them to bloom into who they want to become.

When we say, “I will love you if…” we are no longer offering love—we are offering a transaction.

Other Barriers

Other poisons that block love can include unresolved shame, harsh self-criticism, the fear of vulnerability, and the need to always be right.

Gabor Maté writes that disconnection from our authentic selves—often born from childhood survival patterns—is what leaves us most lonely, most guarded, and most cut off from love.